Dear Tom and Ray:

My 1994 Olds Cutlass Ciera has been a great car for 50,000 miles. I'm
wondering if it could be made to handle better. It's a little bouncy and it
sways a little when it corners. Do you think if I got the right combination
of new tires and shocks it would corner like a Corvette? And if it starts
handling like a Corvette, will women suddenly become more interested in me?
Or do I need to start smoking a pipe and wearing a smoking jacket and ascot
for that? -- AJ

RAY: My brother used to wear an ascot. But then he got his ascot in the fan
one day, and that was the end of that.

TOM: You can't make this handle like a Corvette, AJ! C'mon! This car
doesn't have a very sophisticated suspension to begin with. It doesn't have
four-wheel independent suspension, nor does it have a particularly stiff
chassis. So no matter what you do to it, no one's ever going to mistake it
for a sports car.

RAY: However, new tires and "working" shocks will make a big difference if
you need them. So that's the place to invest some money if you feel it used
to handle better than it does now. But get someone to check the shocks and
tires for you first.

TOM: One other important thing about the Corvette, AJ. We've discovered
through meticulous research that Corvettes (and cars like them), contrary
to popular male belief, do not attract the attention of women. They tend to
attract the attention of men, who THINK they attract the attention of
women. Women tend to be frightened or intimidated by them.

RAY: Don't get me wrong. This Cutlass Ciera of yours is no babe magnet. But
if you're really interested in attracting the attention of women, forget
the Corvette and try getting something "cute," like a Miata, a RAV 4, or
better yet, a puppy!