Dear Tom and Ray:

Recently, my 1978 Dodge Aspen station wagon with almost 134,000 miles on it has developed a lot of annoying rattles around the back end and rear doors. At highway speed, there is enough road noise to drown out the rattles, but the racket is distracting on city streets. My wife refuses to ride in back and help me pinpoint the rattles, and she refuses to drive the car so I can find the rattles myself. What do you suggest?
Bill

TOM: Well, it sounds like a clear choice between a new wife and a new car, Bill. And frankly, since you've held tight to this piece of junk for over 130,000 miles, I'm a little worried about which way you're going to go.

RAY: You're driving a heap, Bill. It's time to face it. You may need new shocks, new springs, new spring shackles, new bushings between the body and the frame, or who knows what else? The car may be rusted out and ready to split in half!

TOM: These noises were designed into the car as a safety feature. So when the car starts to fall apart, these noises warn intelligent people to stay away from it. And that's why your wife won't drive it, Bill.

RAY: Get it to a mechanic, and have him go over the whole car from top to bottom. It's dumb enough to endanger your marriage over a car. It's even dumber to endanger your life. But over a '78 Dodge Aspen Wagon?? C'mon, Bill! Get a life! 1374